


pause the tragic ending

by Brook



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Comforting, Depression, F/M, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Overworking, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Talking, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 16:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10598184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brook/pseuds/Brook
Summary: Set after season 3 finale. After everything that's happened since they came to earth, after everything Abby thinks she's done to the people she loves, a darkness overcomes her and drives her over the edge. Only Marcus seems notice she's slipping, but is he going to be able to help her back up?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Totally ignoring the whole end of the world thing once again guys, sorry!   
> Do tread carefully when reading this, it could be really triggering if you cope with the issues I mentioned in the tags so know your limits and take care of yourselves.   
> Have fun reading!

The first man she’d loved she’d condemned to death, and now the second had nearly followed that same road. It’s pure luck that Marcus is still alive, and she’s completely to blame for all his pain and suffering. 

And then there’s her daughter, her beautiful, talented and strong willed daughter. Clarke had been so innocent once, but now the weight of the world rests on her shoulders and it’s Abby’s fault. She’s the one who sent her down to earth, who had tried to justify the choice by making it about survival, but really, she is no longer sure if she even wants to survive on the ground. It no longer seems worth it. 

Earth just seems plagued with pain and suffering. One thing follows the next and if there’s even a week of rest in between it’s a blessing. And Abby is tired. Just so damn tired. 

All the people she loves are in pain; Clarke, Raven, Jasper, Bellamy, Octavia… Marcus. 

It’s his pain that gets to her the most. She is after all the reason behind his suffering. Whether it’s the pain she caused him in Polis, or the sacrifices he makes to keep her safe, Abby’s why he’s constantly in danger. 

She’d never admit it, but she misses the city of light sometimes. There was no pain there, people were just happy. Of course she’d never go back. The absence of pain also dulled all other emotions, not to mention what she did while she was chipped. Still though, it’s tempting. 

So she’s been overcompensating by nearly running medical all by herself. Jackson’s been there of course, but he seems to be spending a lot more time with Raven nowadays and Abby is happy to take most of the load. Whatever injuries and suffering she can lessen will have to do. It’s not enough to loosen the ball of guilt that’s settled permanently in her chest, but it’s a start. 

Plus it keeps her busy. With her in charge of medical and Marcus in charge of camp they’ve hardly seen each other all week. He comes in to check on her sometimes of course, but there’s not much he can do when she won’t acknowledge him and he usually leaves disappointed. It makes her heart ache but she knows it’s better this way, easier to keep him safe. 

Everything seems to be working out. Until it doesn’t. 

Apparently Marcus and Jackson have been talking about her behind her back because the next time she tries to take over his night shift and send him home he won’t have it and he sends her packing with the threat of getting the guard involved. 

Thus her perfect system ends. She’s forced to go back to her room, where she hasn’t been all week. It just reminds her of everything that is missing, gives her time to wallow in her guilt. She’s been sleeping behind her desk in medical, only slowing down when she can’t stay on her feet any longer. That way she doesn’t have too much time to think before she falls asleep, and she’s exhausted enough to sleep without nightmares. 

So instead of crawling under the covers and trying to get a proper night's sleep she sits behind her desk, and starts on a stack of paperwork that’s been waiting for her all week. 

It’s dull work, and not nearly enough to keep her mind occupied, but it’s something and it’s better than the alternative. 

Three hours later she has to admit that it may be time to call it a night and go to bed. The letters and numbers are swimming before her eyes and she’s been staring at the same page for about ten minutes now without taking it in. 

Just as she closes the folder Abby feels a sharp sting on her finger and drops it unceremoniously on the desk. When she looks down there’s blood trickling out. Papercut. 

It hurts, but there’s also a sensation that she hasn’t felt in a while. She can’t quite place it but it feels like… relief? 

Before she’s completely aware what she’s doing she’s crossed the room to stand in front of a cupboard that holds some emergency medical supplies, just in case she needs them. There’s a scalpel in there as well and there’s a theory she wants to test. 

She slowly makes her way back over to her desk, clearing it before she sits down and laying the scalpel down in front of her. It’s still in its plastic cover and she hesitates. The doctor side of her is screaming at her not to do it. It’s a waste of medical equipment and it goes against everything she believes in about not doing any harm. 

Then again so does hurting the people she loves. 

That thought is enough to break any reservations she has and she picks up the scalpel, taking it out of the wrapper. It’s sharp enough to slice through anything but she has to be smart about it, can’t very well go around showing scars. 

So she carefully rolls up the sleeve of her shirt. It’s three quarter long as it is, so the chances of her having to move them out of the way for something are slim. 

Abby puts the blade to her skin, hesitates, and then drags it down. Careful not to go too deep and do too much damage. 

The sense of relief that floods through her system is overwhelming and before it can dissipate she cuts again, and again. Not stopping until there are five straight lines across her arm, all trickling blood on the surface of her desk. 

There’s a feeling of shame as well, but she stomps it down. This is how she’s gonna survive. It’ll be hers, her way of finding redemption, so that no one else will have to suffer with her. She’s still useful after all, in her capacity as healer, and there is no way she’s leaving Clarke. But this she can do. 

And it helps. She returns to working normal hours, can pretend easily that she’s doing just fine now because she knows she’s suffering for her sins. The knowledge that she is being punished, that she’s paying the price keeps her going. 

Weeks go by and peace remains. No one suspects Abby of doing anything wrong, they just seem relieved that she’s more or less back to normal, and all the while she keeps marking her skin when she’s behind closed doors. 

Only Marcus seems to notice she’s faking it, because she still can’t look him in the eye and avoids him as much as she can. Clarke can feel that something isn’t quite right too but she’s just glad to have her mom back, and when Abby refuses to talk about what’s going on between her and Marcus she let’s it go. 

Her arms is littered with scars by now, all in various stages of healing. But it doesn’t matter, she sleeps alone, dresses alone, showers alone. She’s always alone. 

If she’s being honest with herself (and she tries not to be) she’s never been this lonely in her life. Even with all the people that are near her on a daily basis, it still isn’t enough. She’s carrying a burden all by herself and it makes her feel like an outsider. 

It’s still better than the alternative. She can’t even let herself think about that. Because if she does she’ll want to, and she can’t leave her daughter behind, even though she sometimes thinks Clarke might be safer without her around. 

Once the thought has crossed her mind though she can’t seem to get it out of her head. The crowded halls of Arkadia are driving her to the edge and if she doesn’t get out soon she’ll do something reckless. 

This is how she finds herself wandering the woods alone early in the morning. She specifically chose to leave before dawn, this way she’ll run into as little people as possible. Only the nightguard will see her leave and they probably won’t even mention it to their replacements. 

Now she’s just walking in a straight line, trying to get away from the camp. With every step she takes, how further away she gets, it’s like a little more weight lifts off of her chest. She’s finally actually alone instead of just feeling alone like she has the last couple of weeks. So she keeps going. 

It isn’t until she spots a clearing through the trees that she finds out in which direction she’s been heading. It’s a little lake they’d found when they’d first started exploring the terrain around camp. The water is reasonably shallow and with the recent summer heat it’ll be nice and warm. 

Considering what could be in the water it’s probably not the smartest idea to go for a solitary swim, but now that the option has presented itself Abby realises she really wants to, so she strips down to her underwear when she reaches the water's edge. 

As she dips in a toe to test the water she realises she’s slightly overestimated its temperature. Still, it won’t kill her, at least not quickly, and the idea of the cold biting into her skin is slightly alluring. 

Abby wades in slowly, revelling in the feel of the water sloshing against her body. 

When the water reaches the cuts thighs it makes them sting. There’s something oddly satisfying about that and she quickly continues further into the lake, until she’s covered up to her shoulders. 

Without really giving it a second thought she sinks down, completely submerging herself. Her hair floats around her like a halo, soft and flowy and unbelievably delicate.

It’s peaceful under the surface, sound muted. The water surrounds her like a heavy cloak, but also gives her a sense of weightlessness. 

The thought of having to come up for air again breaks her heart, it’d be so much easier to stay down here where there’s no pain or loss. She doesn’t ever wanna leave the tranquility behind. 

Not really thinking about it she keeps her head under water, it’s not a conscious choice. She’s a doctor so she can feel the lack of oxygen get to her, can feel her brain fighting to stay alert, has to battle the urge to take in a gulp of water. 

Before her body’s survival instincts can kick in and force her to go up for air two strong arms wrap around her and pull her with them, cold air hitting her like a lightening strike when she reaches the surface. 

Abby takes in a big breath of air, coughing a bit at the sudden increase of oxygen. The arms around her tighten their hold for a bit and then she’s being scooped up, strong muscles cradling her to a broad chest. 

It’s Marcus who’s carrying her back to the shore, because of course it is. She’d known from the moment the strong arms went around her that is was him. He must’ve followed her out here. 

He puts her down on a flat rock a few feet away from the water, immediately grabbing his rucksack and rummaging through it. He too is down to his boxers, his clothes discarded on a pile next to hers. 

The cool air makes Abby shiver and she reaches for her t-shirt, but before she can pick it up Marcus stops her. There’s a towel in his hands and he systematically starts to dry her off, businesslike and efficient. 

Abby has half a mind to protest, but she’s already been discovered, all her secrets laid bare, so she doesn’t bother. He wouldn’t listen to her anyway, his desire to make sure she’s safe bigger than his urge to give in and give her anything she wants. 

When he’s done with her top half Marcus hands her a spare t-shirt from his bag and she puts it on. It’s about three sizes too big but it’s extremely soft and comfortable, and it smells just like him. 

Her legs are next, and he’s still efficient, but he’s also incredibly careful and gentle as he dabs at the cuts on her thighs. Then he hands her her jeans and swiftly pulls her up, supporting her as she pulls them on. 

The last thing he does is picking up his jacket and hanging it over her shoulders. 

Abby sits back down, just looking him over as he starts drying himself. He’s way less careful, and twice as quick, than he was with her. She notices the scars on his wrists, his chest, knows where the ones hiding behind his beard are, and pain and guilt fill her heart. 

As soon as he’s done dressing he takes a seat next to her and pulls her into his lap. She lets him, because she can see his hands shaking now that they’re done with their task, can feel his heartbeat slow now that he’s assured himself that she’s safe. 

“What were you thinking Abby?” He whispers as his arms wrap even more firmly around her slim form, a slight note of panic still in his voice. Her head comes down to rest on his shoulder because she is tired, so, so tired. 

There’s no use trying to explain that she wasn’t trying to hurt herself when the evidence against her was just laid out in front of him. “I wasn’t” She admits, “not really. I just wanted to be alone, and when I found the lake it felt like a good idea to go for a swim”. 

The excuse sounds weak even to her own ears and she cringes. She should be better at lying by now, but then she never really could lie to Marcus. 

“Then why didn’t you come up for air?” he asks. Abby sighs, “I was going to, but it was so peaceful under the water, I just, I wanted to enjoy it a little while longer”. 

They sit in silence for a few minutes. Abby knows what Marcus is thinking about, knows he’ll bring it up as soon as he figures out how to say it, and part of her wants to run while she still can. The other part is too comfortable in his hold, and too relieved to finally not have to do it alone any more. 

Marcus circles one of his hands back a little bit, coming to a halt on her near her shoulder. He slides the jacket to the side and gently thumbs one of the scars on her upper arm. “Abby…” He starts, trailing off, unsure still what to say.

It’s useless to ask how she got hurt when the wounds are clearly self inflicted, too straight and precise to be anything else, Marcus knows this. “Why?” He asks instead. 

“Because working myself into the ground was enough any more. I needed to suffer for what I did. I hurt so many people, Marcus, I hurt you. I deserve the pain”. 

Abby isn’t sure where the flow of words is coming from but now that she’s started she can’t seem to stop. “I tortured you, I tortured Clarke. By taking the chip I put so many lives at risk”. 

Suddenly she feels the need to explain herself. “I didn’t start intentionally, just got a papercut, but there was something so satisfying about the blood pouring out, washing away my sins, it seemed appropriate”. 

Marcus moves her away from his chest and Abby feels a pang of hurt at the rejection, but he doesn’t move her far, just far enough so that he can lift up her head, hand under her chin, and force her to meet his gaze. 

“Abby, you took the chip to save Raven’s life, you can’t blame yourself for that.: He says, “Or are you gonna blame her too? You can’t use a double standard on this”. 

“And as far as what you did under the influence of the chip, you weren’t in control then, it wasn’t you, it was Alie. Please believe me when I say I don’t blame you for any of it”. 

Tears fill her eyes and her lips quiver. “They still used me to hurt you Marcus, they chose me specifically because of the pain I could inflict on you” She says, “how can I let you in if I put you at risk by doing so?”. 

Marcus huffs out a humorless laugh. “If you think staying away from me will keep me safe you are dead wrong. I would’ve given my life for you even when you still hated me Abby, keeping your distance is not going to change that”. 

Abby scowls. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” She asks. He shakes his head, “No, it’s supposed to make you realise we’re stronger together”. 

“These past few weeks without you have been hell” Marcus admits, voice soft, “I miss having you around me, I miss making you laugh, I even miss arguing with you, at least I was near you then”. 

“What, you didn’t miss the kissing?” Abby jokes, trying to avoid having to respond. Marcus chuckles, “Well, that too. But I can live without that if it means having you in my life”. The statement is so sincere that it causes her tears to finally fall. 

“You’ve made me a better person Abby. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for you” He says, “And I’m not leaving your side again, no matter what”. 

Then he kisses her forehead,a gesture so soft and sweet that her heart nearly breaks at the touch. She’s crying in earnest now. “I’m damaged goods” She utters, nearly choking on a sob. 

“Maybe you are” Marcus says, “but I think a lot of us are, including me, and I’m gonna do everything I can to help you, even if it takes the rest of my life, I’m not going anywhere”. 

It suddenly hits her that however much she cares for him, he cares just as much for her. She still blames herself, but he doesn’t, and maybe that’s enough, at least for now. She’s done missing him, and she won’t cause him any more pain by making him miss her too. 

Abby surges forward and kisses him. Her eyes are red from crying, cheeks puffy and wet, and she’s looked better, but Marcus doesn’t seem to notice or care, he just kisses her back just as hungrily and tangles his hand in her hair. 

Her fist clench tight around his t-shirt, pulling herself closer to him. The hand that isn’t in her hair is still on her waist and he tightens his grip almost possessively. 

The kiss is passionate and messy and desperate, because it’s been over a month since their lips last touched and they’re both starving for it. 

When they come up for air after a few minutes it’s only out of necessity, and Abby is breathless is a completely different way then when she came out of the water. 

Marcus only lets her move a couple of inches away from him, moving the hand from her hair down to her cheek. “I love you” He says, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, “and as long as you’ll have me I’ll be around to prove it”. 

There’s a lot they’re going to have to deal with, a lot they’ll have to talk about, but right now there’s only one thing that matters. “I love you too, and I’m sorry that I hurt you by staying away”. 

“Just don’t try to leave me again, I’m not sure I’ll survive it” He says. And she won’t, couldn’t even if she wanted to, because she is in love with Marcus Kane, and he is the light that’s going to guide her out of the darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! Let me know what you think :)


End file.
